Holidays

Woke up this morning not really excited about Thanksgiving. Part of me wants to stay in bed and avoid the day. Why? I think back on my dreams. Nick visited. Reality hits. Oh yeah. Sadness. No matter how many years go by, sadness, regret, loss, and pain will always be there on a holiday.

I think about the families who are having their first Thanksgiving without their child. For the first two or three holidays, I set a plate at the table for Nick. I needed that space for him to know that we would always love him and he was remembered.

I also had a candle burning near a photo of him and my dad welcoming them. We have Thanksgiving at my sister, Michele’s house. She gave me that space and knew we needed it. That is key to being with grief, and I love her for that.

Then after a while I didn’t need that space. It wasn’t because I forgot Nick or got over the loss. Neither will ever happen. I learned that his place is within and around me. The photo and candle stayed adding a photo of Luke’s dad when he passed.

Now I think of Nick. I remember stories of him, his funny faces, and smile.

boys on bikes

His love of cream puffs and Grands. The joy all the kids felt being together. It’s not the same. It never will be. So on my holiday mornings, I spend time with Nick. I write to him. I be with him as he is now. When I can come the holidays like that, then I can be with what is. I can find joy in the moment, right now.

Just like I make sure Nick and I have that special time together, I do the same with Stephen, Luke, and my family.

If you are missing your child today or any loved one, give yourself the time to be with them. Take those precious moments to feel their light and let your feelings flow. Then be with those who are sitting around your Thanksgiving table and soak in their love.

Wishing everyone a peaceful Thanksgiving.