Muscle Memory

I couldn’t let the day pass without sharing a story about childhood cancer awareness month. Grief is like muscle memory. Your body remembers as easily as the change in seasons. As fall comes, we begin to crave hot apple cider and donuts, the crisp air, and early nights.

This is the time when my most damaged muscle pines for what has been lost. That muscle memory kicks right in at the beginning of September. The first day that Stephen had to go to school by himself without his big brother. Their first birthdays separated, the first Halloween dressing up on his own, the loss of innocence, the pain that seeps back in as stealthily as the leaves begin to change.

Despite all we do to bring about change, it sometimes feels that not enough is being done. No matter how much good I am surrounded with and all the support and love that I am given, my heart still skips and flutters with loss when I think about Nick.

Like so many other families, cancer took away one of my biggest joys, one of my greatest purposes in life. And it just sucks.

There are times when muscle memory is a good thing. For anyone who has lost a child, every season and every anniversary brings the heartache back.

September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month, but every day I don’t have my son. So every day we should work like hell to find a cure, give comfort, show love, and make a difference for a child battling cancer or any type of life threatening illness. That is the kind of muscle memory everyone should have.

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Our family September 2008.

Courage

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This is Nick’s band. This morning I felt compelled to take it out of the box I have of his personal items. I usually just look at everything, but today I needed to wear it. Nick wore this band through his entire journey with cancer, and I feel his energy like a cozy blanket.

I think I needed to wear it because no matter where we are in life, it takes courage to live life as we wish. Situations and crises hit us when we least expect it, and when we are forced to change direction, our belief in ourselves can falter.

It takes courage to do so much:

…to express your truth even if others may condemn you for it.

…to leave the world you’ve always known to walk into a new life of cancer treatment.

…to care for those struggling through any type of illness–mental or physical.

…to redefine who you are in the face of tragedy and loss. It can be a physical part of you lost through surgery or chemo. It can be family and friends who can’t understand what you are going through. It can be anything you may not be able to do right now.

…to move forward without the one you love, whether it’s your child, partner, family member, or friend.

…to reach out and ask for help, when you no longer know how to help yourself.

I think Nick was sending me a message today that he wanted to share with everyone battling cancer or any illness that has turned their life upside down.

Be courageous. And when you feel your bravery slipping, surround yourself with those who will hold you up until you can stand on your feet again.

Revel in the power of love and the knowledge that miracles happen every day. Some of those miracles are our beautiful children who chose us to be their parents and guide us in the most mysterious ways.

 

Love Finds a Way

Today we lost a brilliant and beautiful soul, my friend Justin Bruckbauer. When my husband found me crying and I told him, he said that if you are going to let love into your heart, then you have to remember the goodness and joy that he brought into your life.

He was so right. If you met Justin, you couldn’t help but feel the love that he had for everyone who crossed his path. He was accepting, smart as a whip, and so very knowledgeable.

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2015–Justin joined us for our annual donation to The Melodies Center. Pictured with me and Dr. Gozman.

Justin taught me that no matter how much my heart breaks, love will always find a way to heal it. He taught me that despite the pain of losing someone special, I am grateful to have known the power of love and soak it in as this is what gets us through the sadness.

I had the privilege to see Justin this past Monday. I felt a sense of urgency to go see him and knew I had to visit. I am so very thankful that I did. We had the most engaging, fun, and fantastic conversation. Justin asked, “You like the Marvel movies, don’t you?” “Yes, I do,” I replied.

And then he was off. Justin talked about which movies came out first and how the infinity stones were entwined in the different series. He showed me the trailers to the new Logan and Guardians of the Galaxy 2 movies, and said how he looked forward to seeing them. I will go watch them in memory of this beautiful young man, who was a superhero to so many.

We talked about Greek, Roman, Norse, and Irish mythology. His faith and knowledge of the Bible and history amazed me. I felt completely at home talking to him about art and writing, and we discussed what other superheroes we could create. We even talked about Wonder Woman, my favorite.

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We could have kept talking forever, and it makes me sad that I won’t have the chance to continue our conversations. But Justin gave me the gift of love on Monday, and I will forever keep my heart open, so I will always know that feeling. It hurts, I know, but the alternative of not sharing my love with kids battling cancer isn’t an option. My heart breaks for his family and especially his incredibly brave and strong momma.

Justin, I know I will see you in my dreams as the superhero you are. Give my boy a hug for me.