Remembering Nick on Independence Day

July 4 is a day to celebrate independence and the freedom our forefathers fought for us to have every day. 10 years ago, it became the day Nick was diagnosed with leukemia.

I believe there is emotional scar tissue with trauma. As July 4 approaches, I feel lethargic, sad, and loaded down with the grief I work to overcome every day. My mind and body know what’s coming. Once July 4 starts, even though I don’t relive all the terrible moments of his cancer journey, part of my mind and body remembers it. The emotions find their way to the surface.

1999 July 4
July 4, 1999

But just as there is emotional scar tissue, there also is emotional endurance that fortifies me with a strong foundation to get back up when the scar tissue limits my ability to live life to my fullest.

 

Nick t-shirt
July 4, 2008–the day Nick was diagnosed

What gives me this endurance? Surrounding myself with family and friends who lift me up. Those who came the day we heard the news, took care of us when we had to say goodbye, and have supported us over the last 10 years.

They know when I’m faltering, when Stephen needs space, when Luke needs a distraction. I don’t have to say a word, because they know today is a very hard day, but we live it remembering an amazing, enthusiastic, and fun boy who was taken took soon.

Over the years, I have learned what I need to do to break up the scar tissue and provide self-care. Sometimes, I do really well, and I think yes, I can do this. When I think of Nick I smile and reminisce about my two energetic boys who were inseparable.

Other times, I’m flat on the floor, as another friend described it, and I can’t imagine going through the rest of my life without one of my sons to hold, talk to, and share his life experiences with. These are the times when my foundation of family and friends soften my fall and stretch the scar tissue until I can stand again.

I’m in a place today where I am searching for the good. I am grateful for Stephen and so very proud of him. He is doing what he needs to do to live with his loss, and I respect that. My husband is my biggest foundation and knows when he has to catch me. I try to catch him as well. We are continually learning what we each need and give one another the space to grow and grieve.

When I fall and take a hard hit, I give myself permission to reach out. I know I don’t have to be strong all the time. I’m not. I can’t be. Last month was one of those times, and I am grateful for my family and friends for saving me from falling off the cliff.

Losing a child is not an easy journey. Having a child with cancer is not easy either. It’s a road of ups and downs, fears and triumphs. Cancer steals more than our independence.

Today I wish everyone a Happy and healthy 4th of July. For those missing their children, have people to catch you when you fall. We are here for you. For our families currently battling, never give up and keep fighting. For everyone touched by a life-threatening disease, savor every moment and always have hope.

Much love to my boy.  We have lots of Double Bubble to give at the parade. Always in my heart.

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