Today is Halloween. It’s the end of my rollercoaster month of ultimate joys and tragic sorrows. 8 years ago was Nick’s funeral. The timing may not have been the best, but it’s never a good time to bury your loved one.
I remember my nieces and nephews dressing up with Stephen. I walked with them and right outside my house a man told the woman that the boy who lived there was buried today. He couldn’t believe we would be celebrating Halloween.
A part of me wanted to tear his eyes out, but then my heart broke a little more because he couldn’t understand. He couldn’t know that Halloween was our favorite holiday, that we actually dressed up all year long play acting and storytelling. He didn’t know that someone could be in intense pain and still know joy.
I didn’t know it either and it has taken me a long time to have this breakthrough. This weekend was the third session of my training to be a Baptiste yoga instructor. Of course there’s a lot of yoga practice, but there is also meditation and self-inquiry through journaling.
I journaled about how I have often felt unworthy or undeserving of happiness because of losing Nick. How could I be happy when my son was gone? What could I have done to save him? Self-doubts, feelings of unworthiness and guilt have plagued me for a long time.
This weekend dredged it up and came through while I sat quietly. But something in me shifted. I didn’t want to carry that heavy brick of guilt or sadness. I put it beside me so that I didn’t look at life through this grieving filter. Yes my son died, yes I will always and forever miss him, and yes some days I can’t do a damn thing, but I am worthy. I am happy and can live my life.
Missing Nick and feeling that sadness will creep up on me or slap me in the face like it did today. Howver, this change in my perspective shifted my relationship with Nick. We are forever connected, and tonight on Hallow’s Eve, the time between times when the veils of our worlds are thinnest, he will be celebrating with me.